30 Apr Modern Gentleman: Skinny-Dipping
Excerpts from the Modern Gentleman: A Guide to Essential Manners, Savvy & Vice, by Phineas Mollod & Jason Tesauro
What better end to an evening of group revelry, romantic frolic, or solitary mischief than a refreshing rinse and spin? Breaststroke sans a slap in the face, the skinny-dip is the most laudable of swims. Here, group or dual dynamics are fortified by liberating nakedness and a tinge of naughtiness. Like a night at sleep-away camp, once a small band has shared a bare splash, all bonds are reinforced. Besides, you’ve always wanted to see your pal’s girlfriend naked anyway.
Even without drawers, the after-hours puddle splash is no time for a gentleman to lose his shirt Here are a few recommended scenarios:
How does a gentleman maintain a polite personal space when the only thing between him and her is H2O? Casting off clothing doesn’t signal the loss of manners. Despite primal urges to take to the bleacher seats with binoculars and peanuts, glance but furtively upon disrobing others. A callipygian lady should be allowed to slip languidly into the water without probing eyeballs keeping her in the crosshairs like a turkey shoot. Likewise, while assessment of fellow men’s equipment is generally more open here than at the local YMCA, refrain from applaucse-o-meter-like responses. Like savvy investors, some chaps retain hidden assets.
While a quorum is necessary to begin, sometimes not all parties are eager participants. In this case, excuses like “It’s too cold,” “I’m too tired,” or “There might be jellyfish” should be left unmeddled, even if deeper issues are clearly at stake. A skinny-dip is no time to coercively purge someone’s genuine fears of murky water, incarceration, or physical insecurity. Do not reprimand a swimmer who retains skivvies-all levels of daring are encouraged. On the other hand, a small mob of friends may overtake a noisy flapdoodler or oarfish bore and toss him gleefully into the drink.
Skinny-dipping already carries a badge of rascality. However, the more experienced rabble-rouser may up the stakes. When choosing a site, do not rule out private pools. The exhilaration of backstrokes in the buff is nearly matched by the thrill of scaling a neighbor’s fence or tiptoeing into the hotel whirlpool. Be wary of consequences, but do not eschew a titillating round of Marco Polo just because “your parents might catch us.” A dripping posse of scampering nudes is more likely to elicit giggles and envy than actual litigation.
When necessary, keep it quit, fun, and light on the libido; chicken fights are more efficient without the hydrodynamic drag of an uninvited erection.
Skinny-dipping etiquette translates to hot tubs, where the cloak of rising steam shouldn’t cloud conduct. Normal rules of personal space are suspended when abutting another’s nakedness. However, don’t commit the post-tub flub of projected hot-water fantasies until a continued connection is proven on land.
